People are messy. Humans are humans, and we all have flaws. In a field full of people anointed with incredible talents and gifts, we work with people who have passions (tempers), alternate scheduling tendencies (disorganized and unreliable), introvert awkwardness (antisocial behaviors), extreme self confidence (arrogance). Yep. Even just downright jerks. The negativity in some, despite incredible talent and anointing, can cause a level of dysfunction that drags down the efforts of the entire ministry team. Dysfunction leads people to quit – or worse, turn their backs on the Jesus they have worked so hard to promote. So, how do we deal with these difficult personalities?
Consider this biblical passage from the book of Philippians:
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. – Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV)
The trickiest part of the passage is those last few words: “think about such things.” The ultimate “think positive” verse… it all starts – and ends – in our heads. Ultimately, what causes people to give up on a ministry really isn’t any one particular event, but how we think about and react to that event in our brains.
How do you handle it when someone loses their cool with you, lets you down, or isn’t being cooperative? For me, a self-described “Polly Positive,” such behavior from other people, especially professionals, can be derailing. Here are some methods that I have used successfully to ward off the negative thoughts and negative consequences of bad behavior:
1. Pray for the person who irritates/insults/annoys you. Remember the title of this blog post — it starts in your head. It starts with YOUR thoughts. Pray that God would help them with their shortcomings, as He helps you with yours. Pray for heart change, either in their heart, or in yours. Remember that you have faults, they are just not as annoying to you as someone else’s faults are.
2. Be honest and constructive with people who are dragging down the effort or the team – or you. Don’t avoid conversations or interactions because someone is difficult. Be prepared with specifics, and have a direct conversation in private.
3. Identify the positive in the project you are working on. That’s right – define your task according to Paul’s criteria. What about the task you are trying to accomplish is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy? Share these characteristics with the team. Be sure the mission is clear. Lack of clarity breeds negativity.
4. Think positive, but stop being surprised by a person who consistently acts badly. At some point over that last few years, while struggling with a particularly negative person, I had to admit to myself that in being shocked by their negative or rude reaction, I actually got personally hurt. Such behavior really knocks me off the tracks. This realization was huge. I needed to expect the behavior and be prepared for it. Rather than take it personally, or hope that this time when you deal with them that they will somehow be different, use strategies (in the next step) to prepare yourself for the situation.
5. Craft your message ahead of time. Take a factual, cool, calm, collected approach. STICK TO THE FACTS. Know what you want to accomplish, get it done, and don’t get dragged emotionally into the conversation. Don’t react in the moment, it only fuels the negativity.
6. Prune. Sometimes, it really is time for people to move on. A team cannot flourish — and God will not bless a ministry fully — when there is negativity brewing. Negativity is neither honoring nor respectful to God. He is patient and loving with our flaws, but does not expect us to wallow in them. Encourage, or insist, that someone with an incurable negative attitude find another position or way to serve.
For further reading on this topic, I recently completed Joyce Meyer’s bible study called “Battlefield of the Mind.” In it, she explores overcoming negative thinking and using scriptures to realize that God loves you and wants the very best for you. The bible study is FREE and is available at YouVersion, also a free phone app. The bible study is based on Myers’ book of the same title:
Thinking positive, and understanding the good that God has promised, are huge factors in being able to succeed with a team of humans. Starting in your own head will go a long way toward how you approach, and accomplish, those tough tasks and win over those tough people.